Tis the season for a swift judo chop to the thorax.

Yes, the thorax.

Christmas is all about giving…um, giving judo chops. Well, at least that’s what I have gathered from observing my fellow man for the last week or so. Currently, man has found himself on the brink of snapping due to all the baggage that comes with the Holiday season. Long lines… crowds… slow walkers… slow drivers… finances in a gift induced strangle hold… traffic… foul weather (for most of us that is)… and did I mention long lines? The line yesterday at the post office was all the way out the door. I remained patient, but others… jez… One hand firmly clentches the neatly wrapped package ready for mailing and the other clentches the Hammer of Thor ready to distroy the first line “cutter”. Man, woman, child, elderly, lap dog… no one is exempt from the wrath of the angry Christmas shopper.

On my ride today, I felt as if the entire city of Phoenix was driving like High Schooler’s leaving the parking lot at 2:00pm and heading for the Mall’s food court to get a nice cold Orange Julius. A burn out here, and a burn out there…

And then it happened… the spreading of Holiday cheer.

Allow me to paint a mental picture for you. It’ll be well worth it. Trust me. I was heading out north for another 5 hours in the saddle. I found myself riding east across Paradise Lane through the Scottsdale Airpark and approaching Hayden. Hayden’s my E-ticket north. As I rolled to stop at the stop sign I noticed two cars coming to my left. A gray minivan and a black Hyundai. The black Hyundai was fine and in the turn lane preparing to turn onto my street. The gray minivan was not fine, and not in the turn lane but wanting to also turn right. So he did and chopped the daylights out of the little Hyundai.

I reacted with a, “Ooohh, damn!”

As they both rounded the corner, the minivan now in front, I heard the roar of a mighty engine packing a little over a hundred horsepower. I glanced back and saw the Hyundai make the pass… and then lock up the brakes.

“Nice!”, I thought.

The minivan hit his brakes hard to avoid hitting the little Hyundai. I watched the wheels stop and the body of the car lunge forward with the momentum.

Another “Nice!”, from me.

Next up, Old Mate Hyundai stepped out of his car and stormed towards the minivan. Old Mate Hyundai was old… had a big white beard… and thick black glasses. He looked like he read a lot of books and wore Birkinstocks. Nothing wrong with that. Just painting a mental picture. Remember?

Words were then exchanged forcing Old Mate Hyundai to walk back to his car and dig around for a bit. I figured… hm? … Is he looking for a gun?

It was at that moment I made my escape plan:

A. Gun: 3 minute VO2 effort in the opposite direction.
B. Any weapon lacking projectiles: Stay put and watch!

Luckily it was “B”… “B” as in banana…

The weapon shown here as evidence.

One hurled at the side of the driver’s door and one Nolan Ryan’d right through the open driver’s window! Deciding that this just didn’t cut it, Old Mate Hyundai stormed back to his car and dug around for some more goodies. Once again, refer to the above mentioned escape plan…

This time it was one of these:

Yes folks, a fire extinguisher has many wonderful uses.

Projectiles, yes. But not the type that worry me. So I stayed and watched Old Mate Hyundai light up the front of the minivan… and to top it off, and for good measure, spray a fair amount in the driver’s side open window. Why this guy didn’t roll up his window when he saw a complete nutter walking his way with a fire extinguisher… I don’t know?

Then, some more words were exchanged and Old Mate Hyundai got back in his car, peeled out and took off down the road never to be seen again…

Jez…

Well, alright, Happy Holidays everyone!

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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