Alright people lets pool our money, I’ve found a real gem for us to buy…

Today I was wrapping up my rest week with a one hour crystal crank session on the old war chariot when I rolled up on a real fine property. I was cruising through Phoenix’s exclusive Biltmore neighborhood when I saw a “For Sale” sign…

It was enough for me to do a double take.

“Did that –( insert your favorite word of choice )– sign say 20 million bucks?”, I thought.

I pulled a U-turn and…drum roll please.. yes, it did. Again I swore out loud. It seemed like the natural thing to do.

I kept riding and began to think that the sign was rather ballsy. As if people didn’t already know that your house in the Biltmore Estates was going to cost a pretty penny, you had to actually slap the sticker price right up on the sign for everyone to see. Do you think they even keep the “$20,000,000″ sign in stock? Or was it a special order sign? I might call the number and ask how much the place costs… just for grins and giggles. I also might ask something silly like how many air conditioners it has. If it has anything less than 5, I’ll tell them I’m not interested.

See for yourself folks:

But fact of the matter is I’m really interested in this place. So lets pool our money and get this thing taken care of. We’ll all live there together and perhaps even call it Valhalla and dress like Vikings and do Viking things when we’re not training. Just a thought… I can sell a couple jersey’s on E-Bay and pull together a few hundred or so dollars. You people will need to help pick up the slack. We’ll probably need somewhere around $19,999,800.00 more.

Go out tonight and have yourself a wonderful New Year’s. We’ll worry about this in a few days when the headache and beer poops wear off. This place is going nowhere anytime soon.

Be safe tonight, the crazies will be out in full force.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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Well I hope that everyone had a nice Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Tom Cruise Scientology Day.

As for me, I had a very nice Christmas as Santa hit the nail right on the head…

Check out these:

Suzanne, I mean Santa, got me this rare original Led Zeppelin poster. It was printed for a Zeppelin show at San Francisco’s legendary Fillmore West. The artist, Randy Tuten, was tired of seeing Led Zeppelin using blimps everywhere, so… he put an avocado on the poster. When all else fails… use the avocado. Write that down.

And check this monster out:

My two prized signed albums, Led Zeppelin’s “IV” and The Grateful Dead’s “American Beauty”, are now framed courtesy of Santa himself. I can now stop holding my breath. Those two albums are fully signed by all of the bands original members appearing on the albums. Quite rare and very hard to find fully authentic signatures and not scribbled on names in crayon by some fat, hairy man in New jersey.

Alright, enough Santa talk.

Now on to a more serious discussion… some of you people were a bit too excited to see some Hasselhoff posted on my site. So excited in fact, that I got e-mails and comments about The Hoff. Some thought it was funny, some a bit disturbing, but some, well they may have actually kind of liked it. Well… it worried me.

But, I care for my reader’s well being and no reader of mine should ever suffer through withdrawal… Not as long as I call myself the Webmaster. Yeah, you know right where this is going.

So, I contacted my friend Google… and typed in a few choice words… and then I hit search.

And then it appeared… in all it’s, uh, um, gloriousness?

Ah hell, enough babble, just scroll down and see for yourself…

That poor poor dog. He would never bark the same.

Damnitt…

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m kind of shaken up. I’m just going to go for now.

Folks, please, no more requests for The Hoff. Please. I beg of you. This needs to be a Hasselhoff free site.

Please, stop the insanity.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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Who gives their readers the best Christmas wishes? Go ahead and guess…

CyclingNews? Nope. VeloNews? Nope.

They’d probably just give you a picture of Paolo Bettini or some skinny Euro dude, with a whole lot of vowels in his name, dressed up in his team kit and warm winter hat, on his team bike, climbing some silly little snow covered European climb that you can’t even pronounce.

But I care about you guys… all 6 of you. I really do. So I dug you guys up something real special…

and everyone here at AKingsLife.com… um, I mean me.

Seriously folks, tell me another website that gives you Christmas wishes that good?

You just can’t top a Christmas blessing from a hairy chested David Hasselhoff in a rather disturbing black banana hammock and matching black unbuttoned shirt.

Throw back a glass of eggnog for me.

We’ll talk again soon.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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Tis the season for a swift judo chop to the thorax.

Yes, the thorax.

Christmas is all about giving…um, giving judo chops. Well, at least that’s what I have gathered from observing my fellow man for the last week or so. Currently, man has found himself on the brink of snapping due to all the baggage that comes with the Holiday season. Long lines… crowds… slow walkers… slow drivers… finances in a gift induced strangle hold… traffic… foul weather (for most of us that is)… and did I mention long lines? The line yesterday at the post office was all the way out the door. I remained patient, but others… jez… One hand firmly clentches the neatly wrapped package ready for mailing and the other clentches the Hammer of Thor ready to distroy the first line “cutter”. Man, woman, child, elderly, lap dog… no one is exempt from the wrath of the angry Christmas shopper.

On my ride today, I felt as if the entire city of Phoenix was driving like High Schooler’s leaving the parking lot at 2:00pm and heading for the Mall’s food court to get a nice cold Orange Julius. A burn out here, and a burn out there…

And then it happened… the spreading of Holiday cheer.

Allow me to paint a mental picture for you. It’ll be well worth it. Trust me. I was heading out north for another 5 hours in the saddle. I found myself riding east across Paradise Lane through the Scottsdale Airpark and approaching Hayden. Hayden’s my E-ticket north. As I rolled to stop at the stop sign I noticed two cars coming to my left. A gray minivan and a black Hyundai. The black Hyundai was fine and in the turn lane preparing to turn onto my street. The gray minivan was not fine, and not in the turn lane but wanting to also turn right. So he did and chopped the daylights out of the little Hyundai.

I reacted with a, “Ooohh, damn!”

As they both rounded the corner, the minivan now in front, I heard the roar of a mighty engine packing a little over a hundred horsepower. I glanced back and saw the Hyundai make the pass… and then lock up the brakes.

“Nice!”, I thought.

The minivan hit his brakes hard to avoid hitting the little Hyundai. I watched the wheels stop and the body of the car lunge forward with the momentum.

Another “Nice!”, from me.

Next up, Old Mate Hyundai stepped out of his car and stormed towards the minivan. Old Mate Hyundai was old… had a big white beard… and thick black glasses. He looked like he read a lot of books and wore Birkinstocks. Nothing wrong with that. Just painting a mental picture. Remember?

Words were then exchanged forcing Old Mate Hyundai to walk back to his car and dig around for a bit. I figured… hm? … Is he looking for a gun?

It was at that moment I made my escape plan:

A. Gun: 3 minute VO2 effort in the opposite direction.
B. Any weapon lacking projectiles: Stay put and watch!

Luckily it was “B”… “B” as in banana…

The weapon shown here as evidence.

One hurled at the side of the driver’s door and one Nolan Ryan’d right through the open driver’s window! Deciding that this just didn’t cut it, Old Mate Hyundai stormed back to his car and dug around for some more goodies. Once again, refer to the above mentioned escape plan…

This time it was one of these:

Yes folks, a fire extinguisher has many wonderful uses.

Projectiles, yes. But not the type that worry me. So I stayed and watched Old Mate Hyundai light up the front of the minivan… and to top it off, and for good measure, spray a fair amount in the driver’s side open window. Why this guy didn’t roll up his window when he saw a complete nutter walking his way with a fire extinguisher… I don’t know?

Then, some more words were exchanged and Old Mate Hyundai got back in his car, peeled out and took off down the road never to be seen again…

Jez…

Well, alright, Happy Holidays everyone!

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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This past Friday I had my last rest day until Christmas. To get the desired mileage I’m aiming for, it’s pretty much necessary to ride everyday for the next week and a half. Either that or hit up some 8 hour rides like my main man Neil Shirley is.

“Um… Nah”, said my butt to my brain.

In recent years, I’ve grown to love rest days. I used to hate them… in a time long, long ago when I new nothing more than a life filled with everything pertaining to “The Bike”. But now that I’ve found that life has more to offer than just pedaling around in tight clothes, I find rest days to be some of the most productive and enjoyable days.

When the training schedule is best defined as “burly”, it’s hard to do much more than train and then sit on the couch in an exercise induced stooper with thoughts of cookies and brownies dancing through my head. So… needless to say… I don’t really get much “real world” work done. With every added day of training, a few more items get shuffled to the To Do List. Then, come a rest day, it’s time to work through this lengthy To Do List….

Bills, Cleaning, Phone Calls, Bike Maintenence, nap time, School Work, Errands, Christmas Shopping, more nap time, More Errands, Chiropractor Appointments, and so on.

Before you know it, a rest day can turn into more work than rest… Hmm… Better add another nap to the list.

Also… word on the street is that Michael Dwayne (or Duane… I forget) Creed is heading south to the Casa de la King for a little Pre-Christmas training camp. Last time we hung out for an extended peroid of time, we found ourselves on a sugar free jello diet, by day, and on the roof of a 1920’s bungalow with a water balloon launcher, a carton of Grade A eggs, and a high powered spot light, by night.

I think I’ve experienced some personal growth since then, so please rest assured. But… old habits do die hard, so we’ll see if any of that sweet, sweet jello makes it’s way into the fridge.

If it does, it’ll be right next to the eggs.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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Suzanne sent this to me today… It’s a Holiday e-mail that had made it’s rounds from inbox to inbox throughout her office. Finally, this afternoon it staggered it’s way into my inbox. When it was forwarded my way, she said that it was kind of funny…

I read it and didn’t find it very funny. So I read it again… and guess what? Still not that funny. As a cyclist, I pretty much do exactly the opposite of what this litle e-mail tells you to do. Particularly number 5…. the snack is mandatory. See for yourself:

Subject: Christmas Party Etiquette

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an “eggnog-aholic” or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This Is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips and start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

See, not that funny.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.
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