Let’s start this post off with: I just don’t feel that I fit in at the Home Depot.

Alright, now I will explain why. Now that it is the “off season”, or “offy” for all my Australian reader’s, I’ve been involved in a few projects. This is normal for a rider because now the excuse of “I have to rest” is invalid, and laborous projects just seem to happen before you can think of another even half-valid excuse… such as, “I have to list all my stuff on E-Bay”. With that being said, one project I’ve suddenly found myself taking part in is helping my dad re-do his garage.

Cleaning it, moving everything out, painting the walls, painting the floor, putting shelving in, and lastly, moving everything back in… Not that bad, and something that needed to get done. OK, I can live with that.

With any household project comes a trip or two… or five or six to Home Depot. Now, in this situation Lowe’s does not count because their clientel just isn’t the same as Home Depot. Yes, they’re thinking home improvement as well, but they’re just different. Different good, different bad… you be the judge.

Back to the story at hand, so I’ve made a few trips to Home Depot in the past week and I just don’t think I fit in. Actually, I stick out like tits on a bull. Here’s a few reasons why. For starters, my wardrobe is partially to blame… Last time I strolled into Home Depot I was wearing flip flops (a huge Home Depot party foul), my coveted red basketball shorts (also a no-no) and to finish it off, my baby blue size small Missingsaddle t-shirt. Also, all of these clothes were hung on a scrawny, pale, cyclists physique with funny sock tan lines and a large head. Add all these factors up and it’s getting easier to see why I feel awkward at Home Depot. To make matters even worse, fitting in at Home Depot seems to have other important factors like cleanliness, facial hair, and overall demeanor and attitude.

So, to help explain more I’ve decided to diagnose the two most common types of people you see at Home Depot.

The Contractor Man.

This guy is most commonly seen in jeans, a belt, boots and a flannel buttom down shirt. If the shirt’s long sleeved, he’s more of a working type. If the sleeve’s are short, he’s more of the boss.

This guy has been going to Home Depot for years and knows what he wants and where it’s at. He’s educated on all that is associated with building and materials and therefore doesn’t need any help when trying to find OVRX Sanded OSB Insulated Sub Flooring Tile. He drives a nice new model four door pick-up truck that often times is lifted with shiny wheels. The exact same type of truck that always seems to buzz cyclists. You know, the type with the extra wide side mirrors. But thats a different story for a different time.

Despite being a construction worker type of guy, he remains very clean and dirt and grime is seldom seen under his nails. Note: He’s probably also wearing cologne or some sort of after shave.

The Manual Labor Man.

This is where Home Depot becomes marvelous….

because of this guy right here.

This is Home Depot’s staple customer. All their ads need to feature this guy becasue he is the peanut butter to their jelly, the Robin to their far smoother Batman. Quite often seen in a plain cotton t-shirt with paint stains on it, the true cream of the crop wear denim vests wide open……no fears, no worries, just letting the good times roll. This man most often times compliments that denim vest with a pair of jeans but is sometimes seen in shorts. Whichever it is, it isn’t complete without a tear or two and some paint stains. No matter which “britches” this man puts on two-legs at a time, he always finishes it off with black tennis shoes or boots. Always.

There are many other things this man will do to make you feel uncomfortable. Such as this:

Jeez….

Or this:

Now, I’m not exactly sure what that man is wearing, but I’m pretty positive I saw him browsing the plumbing isle yesterday….

A few more tid bits of information… This man finishes off a hard days work with a sixer of Budweiser. While he does take showers, his nails never seem to pull through and struggle to remain dirt and grime free. He gets to Home Depot most likely in a small two-door pick-up truck or a van similar to the A-Teams black van but the most important part is the bumper sticker reading, “My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Roll Student”. He also portrays just enough attitude to make you not want to fight him for a parking spot… that and his A-Team van screams out “Nothing to Lose”.

Note: His skin is overly tanned, creased and looks like a well oiled and worn in catcher’s mit. Also, beware of the butt crack when this man bends over… consider yourself warned.

So there you have it, my diagnosis of the two most common types of people seen at Home Depot. Now you know why I don’t feel that I fit in. Honestly, with the guy in all leather (or rubber……what the hell was that?), most of us might not fit in. Particularly us cyclists… Now if I missed any important types, please let me know. I almost added in the Soccer Mom because you do see her there quite a bit…mini van and all.

Also, I’m seeking advice as to how to go about fitting in better at Home Depot. Suzanne just purchased a condo and she’s T-minus 3 weeks til the move-in date. A new condo can only mean one thing: more time at the Home Depot…I’d better pull out my denim vest and prepare my butt crack.

Also, I’ve added a few more pieces to Hunter’s Artwork section of my Photos page. Check it out. He recently sold four pieces to a Scottsdale collector who’d seen his work on my site. Hunter was then able to quit his day job and finally be a full time artist! That’s a good thing.

Take Care.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.