This one comes from deep within the vaults of Austin King’s Chronicles From Across The Pond……………From a time long long ago, when a young man was in need. Have no fear young man, for Austin is here.

Enjoy:

“……….. well this is just what I want to hear from you. I liked the 7 Degrees of Suffering, but who wouldn’t….well some people I guess that is why I’m writing you. I’m constantly hagged by little cheerleaders who seem to think their 1hr long gossip session called cheer practice can be said as equal to my 90 mile races….haha, I would have brought in the 7 Degrees of Suffering, but all the sour growler stuff and what not might not work so well with them…..so if you could write something about why cyclist are the most hardcore out there, that would be great………..”

Alright ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got ourselves a winner. This one came in from Nick. He’s a nice 18 year old young man from Phoenix, Arizona. This e-mail particularly struck a chord with me due to the similar triumphs and tribulations we‘ve felt while cruising down the Avenue of High School. I too was a scrawny spandex clad young buck fighting the good fight against the evils better known as the “High School Cheerleader“, a species most young bike racers fear more than their senior year Spanish final. With four solid years of scholastic experience under my belt and many more nestled in the cycling peloton, I found it to be my civic duty to rush to the aid of the youth of the American cycling. So young man, have no fear, for Austin is here.

Nick, allow me to wax philosophically for a quick minute. In my time I’ve found that the prepubescent, pale, bird chested young cyclist doesn’t particularly fair well in the eyes of popular cultures iconic symbol known as the pom-pom jiggling, lung screeching “High School Cheerleader”. But things weren’t always like this. Allow me to explain in further detail. You see, four million years ago the cyclist (Homo doofus tan linus) and the cheerleader (Homo screamus topa lungus) were quite the item. The cheerleader loved and admired the cyclist for his work ethic, dedication, passion and muscular physique. While the cyclist loved and admired the cheerleader for her……um…..pom-poms, yeah pom-poms. Anyways, they did things together like hunt, build fires, and attend Marshall Tucker Band concerts. The two species formed a deep and undying love that would burn strong for many ages. Fast forward past such events as the birth of Christ, the fall of the Roman Empire, the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock, the birth of Bob Seger and the rise of Led Zeppelin. Shortly after the reign of the almighty Led Zeppelin came to a premature end with the death of drummer John Bonham, the relations between the cyclist and the cheerleader began to suffer. The year was 1999, and a young lady by the name of Britney Spears would forever put the cyclist and the cheerleader at odds. “Baby One More Time”, her international debut of spiritually deep and poetic lyrics intertwined with graceful tantalizing rhythmic moves, would prove to be the spark that would fuel the fire known as Popular Culture. In the coming years Britney, with the help of her little friends Christina and Avril, would bend and morph the views of the high school cheerleader into what they deemed appropriate; further putting the cyclist in a disadvantage. A survey conducted by the King Institute of B.S. found that the approval rate of cyclists had fallen a staggering 84% in the eyes of the high school cheerleader. In no time, millions of years of love and happiness had dried up and the cheerleader was confronted by the cyclist’s awkward proportions, raccoon eye tan lines and smoothly shaven chicken legs. To this day their relationship has never been the same……..

Alright Nick, I know that was quite a bit of history to swallow but believe me, it’s all true. Now, I remember how things were back in the academic hormonal circus better known as high school, so I’m guessing this girl has got your interest. If this is true, here is my advice:

1. Get your hands on as many Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band’s albums as you can. He’ll explain the rest. All I’ll be able to due is give you bone headed advice that will truly worsen your current situation. Which leads me to my next brilliant idea……

If you have no desire to be “more than just friends” with this young lady, here is my advice:

1. Put your chewing gum in her hair. For ages this is how boys have gotten their “leave me alone” point across to girls. Make sure to get it deep in there. The kind of deep that only a pair of clippers can fix.

2. Trap her! Show her the 7 Degrees of Suffering and trap her into admitting to a “Sour Growler”. Lead her on to think that it will make cheerleading as hardcore as cycling. She’ll take the bait guaranteed. Once she admits to this you reply, “EW GROSS! You’re really sick (insert name here)” and proceed to tell the entire school about her bout with diarrhea. It’s pure genius.

Like what you just read? There’s plenty more where that came from! Click on Austin King’s Chronicles From Across The Pond at the top of the left margin on the “home” page.

Categories: Daily Jibber Jabber.