Austin King’s Chronicles From Across The Pond.

Well I’m back again to answer one of the last questions I received. This one comes from Janet. Janet’s one of my most loyal readers and she wanted to know about the current state of Belgium’s agricultural world. Well…..um…..Belgium’s basically one big farm field. Yup, that’s it, just fields. Around here you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a cow smack dab in the ribs. And not just any cow, but the worlds most colossal MEGA COWS. Yes, MEGA COWS (pronounced with a Schwarzenegger-RoboCop-Valcor the flying dragon from Never Ending Story type of voice). You see, in Belgium gene therapy is alive and kicking allowing MEGA COWS to dominate the country side. I’m not a scientist or anything close to that, but I believe sometime pre-birth the cows are screwed with allowing their bodies to not be able to control muscle growth. (Hey relax, you come here for witty banter and not text book explanations from the scientific world). They’re so mega that while lying on their sides their top legs have absolutely no chance of touching the ground. It’s enough to make you release a giggle. Yes, a giggle. As you can tell, the city slicker in me is quite impressed with the MEGA COWS (come on now, go back and do it over with the proper voice, no cheating).

Also big in Belgium is the tractor-pulled Shit Sprayer and his little fat cousin the Shit Flinger. To make a long story short, the fields just don‘t fertilize themselves. You get the picture. A bag of crap and a shovel would prove to be an inefficient and daunting task when confronted with acres of fields just dying for a fine coating of nutrient love. So to keep things going as planned the Shit Sprayer and the Shit Flinger have come to life forcing the shovel to spend another cold wet spring in the shed. Now, the Shit Flinger is really no big deal, it’s just flying poop. Well, I do guess that in itself is fairly funny but after a month or so is really nothing more than just pooh being projected through the air. Yeah, I was wrong, I don’t care how old you are, that’s actually still really funny. Honestly though, the real treat comes with the Shit Sprayer……………Why? Well, Belgium is a particularly windy place. Yup, do the math and then slip on your Hazmat suit cause it’s shower time! I’ll just drop it right there……sorry mother, you did raise me better than that.

So as you can see, agriculture plays a large role in Belgium’s culture and economy. Actually, Belgium (per capita) is one of the largest exporters of vegetables to the United States. So the next time you enjoy a potato or some mushrooms, just remember that if it was a windy enough day we probably got fertilized together!

Categories: Austin King's Chronicles From Across The Pond.