Cycling is one of the most demanding sports there is. It is challenging both physically and mentally. Baseball can’t hold cycling’s jock strap. Basketball has time outs. Football has offensive and defensive squads and they both wear way too much padding. Cyclists don’t descend mountains at 50 miles an hour wearing full body padding. Instead we chose a thin layer of spandex. There are no time outs in cycling. No hiding. Everyone knows when you get dropped and everyone knows when you’re suffering. There is no hiding the suffering. Even the best poker faces will show a grimace here and there. I often think we should be called “amateur sufferers” and “professional sufferers”. But it seems that after every race, you always here the same war stories. They start with “that was so hard” or “that was the hardest I’ve ever gone”. The more you hear it the more it looses it’s effect. How hard is hard? So I have decided to update the Pain Scale and explain my newly declared 7 Degrees of Suffering. Here we go…

The Taste of Blood- The Taste of Blood is almost too common to list but it is still an important component of the 7 Degrees of Suffering. Lying at the bottom of the Pain Scale, it can be performed day in and day out with only sore lungs as the reminder. Generally the Taste of Blood will leave the subject feeling satisfied in a primitive “me George, you Jane” kind of way. After the Taste of Blood has occurred, a feeling of accomplishment will overcome the rider and once fully recovered, the subject can continue with their daily agenda.

The Dry Heave- Another very common form of suffering, the Dry Heave can be achieved by almost any rider. After a hard moment in a race, one will begin to feel the urge to vomit and give the old dry heave a go. Although nothing is produced, the subject will continue to feel awful. The Dry Heave is great comedic relief for bystanders in the general vicinity because dry heaving is very funny to watch. Note: the Dry Heave is invalid if the subject consumed a dairy product within one hour prior to the start of exercise.

The Up Chuck- Still a very common level of suffering, but not achieved by every rider. The Up Chuck can be accomplished either in training or racing. It has all the beginnings of the Dry Heave but is validated by the projectiles that follow. Note: also considered invalid if the subject consumed a dairy product within one hour prior to the start of exercise.

The Sour Growler- The Sour Growler is not to be taken lightly and is generally the beginning of something absolutely terrible. It can be achieved on a group ride, spin class, race or anywhere that extremely intense exercise is mixed with a weak stomach and a surge in the pace. It is really no laughing matter, because it can strike without much warning. It’s all fun and games until you push your body hard enough to get a sour growling stomach in the middle of Nowhere, USA. Then it’s a game: find the restroom. The only prescription for the Sour Growler is deep breathes and as little movement as possible. Note: the Sour Growler is ruled invalid if the subject has recently been involved in a night of drinking.

The Screen Door At 200 Meters- Warning, approach with caution! This one is the terrible that the Sour Growler gave birth to. While occurring more often than you think, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone at anytime while wearing spandex and cycling shoes. Quite possibly the worst feeling ever, the Screen Door At 200 Meters should be dealt with before it becomes code red. Not quite an indication of pure suffering but it definitely occurs during intense over exertion of the body. With all the symptoms and precursors of the Sour Growler, this one takes it a step further and introduces projectiles that could penetrate a screen door at 200 meters. Subject will likely reappear from the bushes minus one sock or glove. Not a pretty site…..we’ll leave it at that.

The Dead Ringer- The Dead Ringer is one of the grand daddy’s of the suffer chart. This one is a beauty and is reserved only for people with a naturally disturbing ability to push themselves beyond the guidelines set by mankind. Despite it’s simplicity, it is a bit more rare than the Up Chuck or the Screen Door At 200 Meters. After an extremely intense effort, one of the subjects ears will lose hearing and begin to ring. Usually occurring after time trials, the Dead Ringer is a bit frightening but a good sign that there is a possible result for the day. At first, panic may occur, but usually the Dead Ringer wears off within 5-7 minutes. If hearing does not return consult a doctor. The Dead Ringer is ruled invalid if the subject has two left ears.

The Fuzzy Navel- Don’t let the cute little name throw you off because the Fuzzy Navel can be both frightening and painful. Also a grand daddy of the suffer chart, the Fuzzy Navel is generally achieved by one tough bastard. Closely located to the Dead Ringer on the pain chart, the Fuzzy Navel will only occur during top end intense races like time trials. Close to the end of the effort, the subject will begin to get distorted vision. After avoiding the warning signs and continuing to push harder, their vision will turn fuzzy within the last 2-4 kilometers of the effort and will last up to 5 minutes after the effort is completed. The Fuzzy Navel is voided if sweat drips into the eyes or if the subject has a glass eye with a fish in it.

So there you have it. We have modernized the Pain Scale with the introduction of the 7 Degrees of Suffering. So under my new format, I will no longer start a war story with “that was the hardest I’ve ever gone”. Instead I might mention pulling a Fuzzy Navel or a Dead Ringer but hopefully not the Screen Door at 200 Meters…… That wouldn’t be good.

Categories: Austin King's Chronicles From Across The Pond.