Today I’d like to analyze the composition of a European peloton based on nationality. It will help you to get a better understanding of the riders we compete with day after day in Europe. I’ll also provide an inside view of these riders and rate them based on things like Strength, Intelligence and Sneaky Factor. Here we go……

Belgium- The most common nationality we see. Every race we enter, you couldn‘t swing a dead cat without hitting one of these guys. Over the years, this group has gathered enough Viking Points to choke a medium sized circus elephant. With 415 rainy, windy and cloudy days a year, these guys have become desensitized to their meteorological surroundings. Their Strength varies from High School Linebacker to Incredible Hulk and their Intelligence varies from College Professor to Einstein. The Sneaky Factor of this group of riders varies greatly. While some are about as sneaky as a bag of doorknobs others will have a 200 meter gap before you can say, “holy crap that was sneaky”. Note: If the rider is Flemish, Viking Points double and Sneaky Factor is converted to metric and cleaned with diesel fuel.

Holland- Very similar to the their neighbors below them, but according to the Belgians much cheaper. They are the best riders in the wind because I believe Holland means “awfully horrid crappy wind” in some ancient  language. Strength and Intelligence are comparable to that of the Belgians but the Sneaky Factor can vary. Somehow Rabobank will show up to a race and put all 8 guys in the top 5. Now that’s really sneaky.

France- One of the other most common nationalities we race against. These guys are incredibly strong bike racers, but not tough enough to hold a Flemish man’s beer. If confrontation arises, follow these three easy steps:

1. Puff out chest….

2. Bark louder….

3. Wait 3 seconds till dominance is established.

Also, many French riders have tattoos on their legs. Tribal bands and barbed wire seem to be the favorites. Just thought I’d throw that in.

Lithuania- Warning, approach with extreme caution and radio for back-up, 1 can of mace, 2 large sticks and 4 stun guns. These guys are tuff. Yes, that‘s tuff. T-U-F-F, tuff. Their desire to stay in the Western European cycling community and not return to home is enough motivation to give a prepubescent schoolchild the squirts. With the Strength level of the illegitimate offspring of King Kong and the Terminator, these guys are tougher than a high school Spanish test. Their Jessica Simpson level Intelligence and Sneaky Factor has no backlash in an amateur race due to their superior displays of man strength.

Ukraine, Russia, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan and all the other -stan’s except for Pakistan and Afghanistan because they ride bikes for transportation and not for competitive purposes- These guys are harder than the Lithuanians but we don’t see them quite as often. Also approach with extreme caution and radio for back-up,  2 bazooka‘s and a tank if available. If one is wielding the Beating Stick or mumbles an incoherent sentence about taking it to the Pain Cave, immediately tuck head between legs and kiss your ass goodbye. If anyone of these riders can combine Strength, Intelligence and Sneaky Factor, wait two years and open Cycle Sport.

Sweden, Finland and Australia- These fellas are beginning to figure things out. All across the board they have very high scores in Strength, Intelligence and Sneaky Factor. With more and more giving cycling a try, it is only a matter of time before they take over the cycling community. Consider yourself warned. EXTREME CAUTION, WARNING, DANGER: Only a fool would go beer for beer with an Aussie. I think they genetically lack the enzyme that recognizes the mixture of fermented yeast, hops and barley, and therefore couldn’t differentiate between a pint of beer and a pint of chocolate milk. Consider yourself warned about that as well………

Antarctica, Oz, Jupiter, CandyLand and Mars- These guys are about as well off as a one legged man in an ass kicking competition. That’s all.

Italy- We rarely see these guys in Belgium. Italy and Belgium are about as comparable as motor oil and microwaves. Italians and cobbles don’t often mix very well. When we do see these guys, they’re a force to be reckoned with and an excellent source of olive oil if you‘ve forgotten to pack yours. Despite having enough Strength and Intelligence to constipate a large farm animal, it is their Sneaky Factor that will truly leave you in awe. Not only will they attack your breakaway, but they’ll swipe your race food from your back pocket at the same time. Now that’s so damn sneaky.

Categories: Austin King's Chronicles From Across The Pond.