Austin King’s Chronicles From Across The Pond.

            Europe is far ahead of America in terms of cycling. The races are bigger, faster, cheaper and all around better than what you can find in the U.S. Most races regardless of size, have trophies, cups, podiums and flowers for the top three to five riders. And these aren’t little dull piece of shit Campbell Soup lids on a string for a make shift medal award. In a race last weekend, our team won the L’Equipe trophy (team overall). This trophy was the coolest, shiniest piece of silver beauty I’ve ever laid my eyes on. It was enormous, a mix between hockey’s Stanley Cup and something a rap star would wear on a chain around his neck. You would’ve thought we’d won World’s or some sort of Nobel Prize. My team is fairly small and we even have a Renault 21 team car, complete with decals, the world’s largest roof rack and a La Cucaracha style horn. Chicks dig the horn.

            In France, allot of riders continue to race competitively after a successful pro and amateur career. My team director, Lionel DuMont, was one of the top French amateur’s back in his day but due to a back injury never turned pro for Peugeot. The Peugeot team later became Team “Z” then Gan and now Credit Agricole. Another rider on my team has 180-200 career wins. His name is Yves, and at 46 he can still throw down. This past week he won a Regionale race on Friday and on Sunday. He too was to turn pro for Peugeot but never did, he got married. Also on my team is Thierry, the motor of all motors and Alpha Male of the old guys. At 40 years old, he is still racing and winning Nationale races. He’s smart as hell and always ends up in the breakaway. He started cycling to late to become a professional. Another one of the old guys on my team is Jacques Motet, brother of Charley Motet who was an all around bad-ass and yellow jersey wearer at the Tour de France. Although Jacques is tactically challenged and dumber than a sack of doorknobs he can still throw down at 40 something years of age. All these guys have a certain ability I have detected and taken note of. After further observation and careful consideration, I am diagnosing my fellow teammates with advanced case’s of “Old Man Strength”. Allow me to explain this naturally occurring phenomenon. You see, at a certain pre-disposed age and with an undetermined amount of miles in the legs, endorphins are released from the pituitary glands into the human body. These endorphins increase cardiac output and enable the subject to display frequent out-of-body experiences most often associated with physical strength and ability. The subject could possibly squat the back end of a Kia Sophia, ride you off their wheel or leg press more plates than a roided-out High School linebacker. All this while, in severe cases, being twice your age. This Old Man Strength is often displayed at an unfortunate time for the other competitors, such as when your legs are empty and cramping or when your breakaway has just been caught. The best way to deal with this form of Man Strength is to avoid it all together and make sure at all costs that the subject is your allie or teammate. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em is the mentality and approach that should be taken. You can only run from Old Man Strength for so long before it will catch you and put your worthless good-for-nothing ass in the litter coated gutter at 50k an hour. Chalk another one up for the old guys.

            So as you can see, racing in Europe is quite different than in the States. I have also pointed out that there is still a future for old guys in France. Just last week I raced an old guy who had finished the Tour 7 times. That’s not the El Tour de Tucson, but that’s the Tour de France. He got 2nd in my race, makes me wanna cry.

Categories: Austin King's Chronicles From Across The Pond.